Until I Could Bear the Loneliness No Longer
by TracyT
Summary: Post Revelations, Helen thinks about losing Ashley.


Until I Could Bear the Loneliness No Longer

Author: TracyT

Summary: Post Revelations, Helen thinks about losing Ashley

Category: Angst, Drama

Characters: Helen Magnus, Ashley Magnus, John Druitt, James Watson

Rating: PG

Parts: 1/1

Spoilers: Premier, The Five, Revelations

Category: Angst, Drama

Feedback to: 

Disclaimer: Not mine, just borrowing them for a while. No profit to be made on this, it was a labor of love.

Author's Note: I wondered how it was that John knew about Ashley already in the premier. Tesla and Watson, too. I made myself an explanation.

*****

Helen watched the clouds gather over Old City from her vantage point atop the parapet. The wind had picked up. It would rain soon. A strong breeze buffeted her as she raised her face to the sky, dark hair writhing in a wild tangle behind her. She crossed her arms in front of herself, wrapping her shawl more closely around her body.

Some time ago she had told Will she often came up here to reflect, and tonight was no different, although today her reflections were of a more weighty matter.

Gazing at the night skyline she wondered if Ashley were out there someplace, or if she were far away. John and Nikola were preparing a plan to get into the Cabal lab, but if there was an EM field in place John would not be able to teleport in. The sense of desperation Helen felt threatened to overwhelm her but she made a valiant attempt to tighten the grasp on her emotions.

The Cabal had turned her daughter. Ashley had been the one to take the blood, there was no doubt of that. Everything was falling apart, and Helen knew she should be focusing on the bigger picture, but she could only think as a mother who had lost her child. Ashley. She tried to swallow past the lump in her throat. She hadn't even had time to mourn James before this new blow to her heart.

Ashley didn't know it, but she was Helen's anchor, her reason for living. The thought of losing her was unimaginable.

Helen wiped away the tears on her cheeks and remembered.

*****

1888

"What's this?" John's voice was angry as he held up the ring.

"I'm returning your ring to you, John."

The rage that was now always present in John threatened to bubble to the surface. He breathed heavily before grinding out, "Madam, we are engaged to be married."

Helen shook her head. "Not any longer. Not as long as you remain like this."

"Remain like what?" John towered over her. "Like what? It is not I who have changed, it is you, Helen."

"No, John. Ever since we took the blood you've become unstable, erratic. You are not the man I once knew. Don't you see? It has to be the injection. Let me do some tests, see what I can do for you." Helen reached out to put a hand on his arm, but he pulled away angrily.

"Not until you take this back," he proffered the ring.

Without acknowledging his words or the ring, Helen continued. "John, the crimes in White Chapel, the murders, what do you know about them?"

Druitt turned away. "What? Why should I know anything about them?"

"Because you've been going down there in the evening. You never did before, why now?"

John turned back quickly. "And how would you know that?"

"James told me. He followed you one night before he lost sight of you."

"How dare he? And how dare you suggest I could be involved in something like that? Tesla's a better candidate for something of that order."

"Why have you been going down to White Chapel, John?"

"James is delusional. I haven't gone near White Chapel."

Helen looked at John shrewdly. "So, you'd rather accuse Nikola and call James a liar, then."

John advanced on her. "This is none of your affair." He took her hand and forced the ring into her palm. "Take this. Be happy I'm willing to marry you."

Helen pulled her hand back. "What? What are you talking about?"

"Do you think I don't know that you are carrying my child, madam? Be glad I am willing to give it a name."

Helen's jaw tightened as angry tears filled her eyes. "John, believe me when I tell you, there is no child."

John frowned. "What have you done?" He grabbed Helen's shoulders and shook her. "Tell me. What have you done?"

Helen pulled away. "I did what I had to do. There is no way to know what a child conceived of two people with vampyric blood in their systems would become. _There is no child_."

John was seething. His voice shook when he said: "You dare accuse me of murder when you yourself have murdered our child? The blood on my hands is nothing in comparison to yours! NOTHING!" With a flash, he was gone.

Helen stood alone in the middle of the room, shaking, the lie bitter on her tongue.

*****

Soon after Helen had followed John down to White Chapel, afraid in the rage he was in that he would take it out on some unsuspecting woman of the street. She had found him with poor Molly. Molly, whom John had introduced Helen to as his "ex-fiancé," Molly who had tragically died shortly thereafter, despite Helen's efforts to stop it.

She had gone to the one person she could turn to, the one person who could help. Gregory Magnus was in his study when Helen burst in on him. "Father, you must help me." She hadn't cried all the way home, despite her conversation with John and what she had just witnessed, but in the presence of her father all her emotions rose to the surface blurring her vision.

Gregory was immediately at her side. He led her to the settee and sat holding her hand while she wept. "Helen, what is it?" At his urging, she leaned on his shoulder and told him the whole story, finally admitting to him that she and her colleagues had gone through with the experiment, what the outcome had been for John.

Gregory's mouth tightened and the crease between his brows became more pronounced. He breathed heavily for a moment. "My God, Helen, I warned all of you that you were playing with fire, I warned you not to go through with it."

"I know, father, but we had to. We felt we'd come too far to turn back."

Gregory rose. "What's done is done. John must be stopped. We can't allow him to roam the streets killing as he pleases."

Helen put a hand on the cuff of his sleeve. He turned.

"I think I may have done that tonight." She told him what had transpired that evening.

"But Helen, you can't be sure you killed him."

"No, I can't, but father…there's more." This was more difficult than telling him of the experiment. Of all the people in the world, Gregory Magnus's opinion of her mattered the most. In fits and starts she managed to confess the existence of the child she carrying, and the lie she had told John to protect it.

Gregory listened quietly, his expression becoming sadder with each word. When she was done, he heaved a heavy sigh and took her hand. "Helen, I can't say I'm not disappointed, but this won't be the first baby born on the wrong side of the blanket and its father is the man who intended to marry you. You are my daughter and I can't, I won't stand in judgment of you. We'll,,,we'll find a way to deal with this."

Helen squeezed his hand. "Thank you for that, father. I told John I'd gotten rid of the baby. That was a lie, but perhaps it would be best for all concerned if that became a reality." It broke her heart but, steeling herself, she forced herself to meet his gaze. "Will you…can you…do that for me, father?"

"Helen…"

Helen bit back a sob. "I can't marry John as he is now—if he's still alive, and I can't bring a child into this world that might be tainted by what we have done."

Gregory sat down next to her again, and put an arm around her. "Helen, I understand how you feel, but… perhaps there's another answer."

"Father?" She looked up at him in question.

He patted her knee. "Have you heard of something called cryogenics?"

*****

Shortly after the embryo had been successfully preserved in stasis, Gregory had gone on an expedition to Mecca and simply disappeared. Helen spent years trying to find him to no avail. She had lost the person she relied on most in the world.

James helped her continue Gregory's work. Nikola had gone off to do his own projects and John had not been heard from since that terrible night in London. Nigel came and went, but he was starting to build his own life with a family.

The fact was, the four of the remaining five found a chasm between them that could not be bridged. The spectre of what they had done, how they all had changed, loomed before them. The worst was the knowledge of what John had become, widening a rift that could not be mended. The scar tissue was just too great.

Helen had never felt so lonely in her entire life. Gregory was gone, John was gone, she couldn't get too close to anyone lest they find out about the Sanctuary and the fact that she, Helen, never aged. She left the running of the place in London to James and started roaming the earth. Taking friends and lovers temporarily but being forced to leave before they found out her secret, or watching them age and die.

Then there was the embryo. No matter where Helen went, there was a tether around her heart that bound her to the small life form back in London. Not a day went by that she didn't think about it and wonder what might have been, what could be. Was it fair to condemn it to and existence of being neither alive nor dead, but somewhere in limbo with no hope for a future?

Decades passed. Nigel died. Helen met and was friends and often lovers with someof the most influential men of history, but loneliness was a constant companion. Loneliness that hurt the soul. She found only temporary solace in her bed mates.

James kept in contact with her. She knew he had feelings for her but would never express them. He and John had been best friends, almost brothers, and he would never commit what would be to him a betrayal of that friend, no matter what John was now. She loved James, but could never return the depth of feeling he had for her, could never feel for him what she had once felt for John. Another brick added to the wall between them.

After nearly a hundred years of living this way, after burying yet another lover, Helen came to a decision.

1984

"Well, this is a nice surprise," James Watson smiled at her over his tea cup. They'd met at Claridge's after Helen's unexpected phone call to him earlier in the day. His driver had brought him in a wheelchair, something James detested, but the mechanical suit would raise too many eyebrows in public.

"What brings you to London again so soon, Helen? It hasn't been six months since you were last here."

"I can't visit an old friend now and again?"

"Of course you can, my dear, anytime you like, but I can tell there's something on your mind."

Helen pursed her lips for a moment. "Well, yes, I did want your advice on something rather important."

"Oh?"

"I…I'm thinking of bringing the embryo to term."

Watson's brow rose. "Oh." She had clearly surprised him. "I wasn't aware that you still considered that an option."

"Actually, I hadn't either, but lately I've been thinking of it more and more."

James put his cup down and regarded her closely. "May I ask why?"

Helen could not meet his eye. "It may sound selfish, but I'm lonely James. I just can't bear it anymore."

James reached across the table to cover her hand with his. "Helen, you never had to be lonely, you know that. I told you that when you decided to stay in America instead of returning to England."

"I know, and thank you, but you are the right person to run the UK Sanctuary while I have my work in the States."

"That's not what I meant." His look was too knowing.

"I know that, but James…"

He sighed heavily. "Yes, yes, I know." They left the words unsaid. After a silent moment, James declared, "You're going to need a father for that baby and I will be the first to volunteer."

Helen smiled. "James, bless you, really, but this isn't Victorian England. Women have children on their own all the time these days. We'll be just fine, although the baby could definitely use a doting uncle."

She could see disappointment quickly masked on James's face. He forced a grin. "Well, I'm just the man for the job. How can I help you, then?"

*******

1985

Using only the light that streamed in from the hallway to see by, Helen leaned over the crib and gazed down on her sleeping daughter, only hours old. The baby looked so small and innocent sleeping peacefully after the grueling effort she'd made to finally come into this world.

Helen stroked a finger across her cheek. John would never know he had a beautiful baby daughter. She felt her throat tighten. The whole time she'd been pregnant she'd been more frightened than she could ever remember. Frightened that John would suddenly appear and demand the baby, frightened that the baby would be somehow deformed or changed by what both she and John had in their blood, frightened that keeping an embryo frozen for all that time had damaged it and she would lose the baby, but mostly frightened of being a 134-year-old mother. How could she explain this to her daughter? Would she resent her for it?

A soft whirring sound came from behind her as the pool of light around the crib grew larger. "You are supposed to be in bed." James's voice was gentle. He'd been with her through all sixteen hours of labor, and had been enormously helpful all the while she was pregnant, if for nothing more than a shoulder to cry on.

Keeping her eyes on the baby, Helen answered, "Yes, I suppose I am, but I just wanted to check on her."

James came farther into the room, "Well, I can tell you, she has the required ten fingers and toes, and the correct number of ears, eyes and a tiny little nose."

"It's not her physical body I worry about."

"Helen," James put a hand on her shoulder. "She's fine. You need to go back to bed. She's perfect, I tell you. After all, I am the one with the keen analytical skills."

Helen turned and hugged him. "So you are. I will trust your judgment in the matter, then." She was still worried about the baby, but let James lead her back to her bed.

As he tucked her in, James asked "Have you decided on a name?"

Helen lay back on the pillows and glanced at the crib. "Yes, her name is Ashley Patricia."

"Your mother would be pleased with Patricia, Gregory, too. But Ashley?" At Helen's look he elaborated. "Well, in our time Ashley would have been a man's name."

Helen smirked. "James, this IS our time, and Ashley is now more a girl's name than a boy's. I quite like it."

"Ashley it is, then." Helen got the impression he still didn't quite approve, but she knew he would become accustomed to it.

James went over to the crib and looked down at the baby. "Do you mind me asking, Is she a Druitt or a Magnus?"

"She's a Magnus." Helen's voice was firm.

James didn't voice his opinion, merely saying, "All right, welcome to the world, Ashley Patricia Magnus."

****

1990

When Ashley was five, Helen took her to visit James in England. James absolutely doted on Ashley and she adored her Uncle James. For Helen, it was good to stay in the house where she'd grown up. She and Ashley were sleeping in her old room, in fact.

One evening she left James at the dinner table for a moment and went to check on Ashley. She opened the door to the room and found a man standing over Ashley's bed. He turned and the light from the corridor illuminated him.

"John," alarm made Helen's voice quaver. "What are you doing here?" John was altered. Physically he had lost his hair, but the changes were more than physical. His whole demeanor was different from the man she had once loved. He frightened her.

"Why, she looks like you, Helen." In a flash he was gone.

Helen fought the surge of panic she felt. John knew about Ashley.

She stayed awake the entire night, watching over her daughter. She and Ashley left immediately the next day. She had an EM field installed around her Sanctuary in the States and advised James to do the same in London.

2009

Ashley had grown into a sunny, happy child with no trace of her parent's dark past. She was the light of Helen's life and she was now a beautiful, strong, independent young woman who had made her mother proud.

Helen raised her daughter and worked with the abnormals here at the Sanctuary. Henry came to live with them and she watched him grow into a capable young man as well, becoming an unofficial brother to Ashley. Helen finally knew a measure of peace.

She sniffled, and tried to push away the feeling of loneliness that threatened even now to overwhelm her. She must get Ashley back, whatever it took. She'd once told Will that longevity was not a gift, it was a curse. She knew she'd most likely outlive Ashley, unless Ashley had inherited the trait from her, but she couldn't face losing her now. God, please not yet. The thought of the interminable years passing without her daughter was more than she could endure.

The door to the stairs opened and John appeared. Helen was still trying to assimilate this new, gentle John, the John she'd known so long ago. She'd become so accustomed to thinking of him as someone to defend against, to fear.

He gave her a small, sad smile. "Helen, it's time."

Helen gave a short nod and followed him down the stairs.

Fin


End file.
